


Honesty

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama, M/M, None - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 08:56:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim decides it's time to be honest with himself, and Blair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honesty

## Honesty

by Rowan

I own nothing, really. Well, there's my laptop and my car, but not much else.

Not beta'd. I've been reading on this archive for almost a year now. You have all inspired me, thank you. This is my first completed and posted story. I look forward to any feedback.

Spoilers: TSbBS, and if you a fan of Sam, go away.

* * *

Jim knew the second that Blair stepped off the elevator that something was wrong. His heartbeat was elevated and he was muttering under his breath, so low even he couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t make out the words. Jim knew that Blair had a lunch date with Sam today and it obviously hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t gone well. 

Jim was going to let it go, wait until they were home to ask what was wrong but he couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t stand to see Blair to suffer like that. He hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t had much to smile about the last 6 months or so, since the day his mother sent his dissertation to a publisher friend of hers, he wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t going to let something he could control upset his partner even more. At some point over the last 4 years or so Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s happiness had become very important to him. Maybe more important that it should be, but Jim really didn'<sup>TM</sup>t like to analyze that, that path led to other, more dangerous thoughts. 

He walked over and rested his hip against Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s desk. He didn'<sup>TM</sup>t say anything, just waited for his partner to acknowledge his presence. 

After a few seconds the young man raised his head. Anyone would be able to see the anger in those eyes. Blair wore his heart on his face, not his sleeve, but Jim knew him well enough to see what else was in the blue depths of his eyes, pain. He hated Sam more at that moment than he ever had, including the time she'<sup>TM</sup>d almost set Blair on fire for forgetting her birthday. Jim had joked about the incident at the time, but he'<sup>TM</sup>d wanted to do her real harm that day. 

'oeBad lunch Chief?' 

'oeYou could say that man, I was 10 minutes late, 10 minutes and you'<sup>TM</sup>d think it was the end of the world. I know I'<sup>TM</sup>m not the best at being on time but it wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t my fault. There was an accident a few blocks from the restaurant and I stopped to make sure everyone was fine, everyone was, but I couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t just pass it by. Did she care? No. She said I was needed to learn about priorities. Priorities??? Man, I do not have a problem with my priorities. She said I could forget about that trip we were planning to Seattle this weekend. I had to put a deposit down on that room, non-refundable. That resort is very hard to book this time of year. That'<sup>TM</sup>s $100.00 down the drain.' 

Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s hands were going as fast as his mouth and he was starting to draw the attention of others in the squad room. Jim put one hand under his arm and led him out the door and into the stairwell. He started to climb and didn'<sup>TM</sup>t stop until he came to the roof. 

Once on the roof he turned to his partner and found out he had no idea what to say. He'<sup>TM</sup>d wanted to get him in private so he could comfort him without the whole world witnessing but now he was clueless as what to do with that privacy. He was a man of actions, not words. Blair of course was a man of words, and he picked up right where he'<sup>TM</sup>d left off downstairs. 

'oeI mean, come on Jim, what is it about me that makes her so damn....' 

Uh oh, this was bad, Blair was at a loss for words. Jim watched as his partner seemed to deflate and sit down on a low wall around one of the backup generators. He hated to see his friend this way. Blair was blaming himself for Sam'<sup>TM</sup>s actions. The worst part was that he really believed it was his fault. 

He took a deep breath. He'<sup>TM</sup>d never approved of Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s on again off again relationship with Sam. It had been off for a few years and had only picked up again after Blair had joined Major Crimes as Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s official partner. At the time he hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t said anything because he was almost glad for it. Blair had been so nervous about how he would be treated at the station it had been reeking havoc with his selfesteem. A lot of people, people who didn'<sup>TM</sup>t know him well, had believed that press conference, believed he was a fraud. Only a handful of them had dared to say anything to Sandburg'<sup>TM</sup>s face about it, but it hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t been easy. Most people had kept quiet knowing they'<sup>TM</sup>d have to deal with the rest of the squad, and Jim in particular if they said anything negative about the young man. Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s sentinel hearing picked up just about all of it though and he knew that although he couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t hear it, Blair knew about it too. So, when Sam had asked him out again it gave him a much needed boost. He hated that he couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t be the one to do that for his Guide, but he was grateful someone, anyone could. Blair almost seemed himself again, for a few days anyway. Then she started playing her games again. Jim had held his tongue. Blair was happy about a quarter of the time after he started seeing her, which was more than he'<sup>TM</sup>d been before, so he let it go. He wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t stupid enough to stick his nose in where it wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t wanted, especially since he didn'<sup>TM</sup>t have the best of intentions. He had admitted to himself a long time ago that wanted Blair for himself. Besides, Sandburg did not like being told how to run his love life. But now he was miserable again, all the time, more miserable if that was possible. He couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t keep quiet anymore. 

'oeChief, when are you going to realize that it'<sup>TM</sup>s not you, it'<sup>TM</sup>s her? She loves head games. She didn'<sup>TM</sup>t care that you were late, she was probably thrilled that she had something to hold over you. You think I have control issues Darwin, she'<sup>TM</sup>s the queen of control issues.' 

Blair was looking at him funny and Jim couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t decided if that was a good thing or a bad thing. 

'oeYou really don'<sup>TM</sup>t like her do you?' 

Jim sighed, he was getting into very dangerous territory here. He decided on the truth. Not being totally honest with each other had gotten them into too much trouble over the years. 

'oeWell, no I don'<sup>TM</sup>t. I tried, honestly, for your sake, but I just can'<sup>TM</sup>t get past the way she treats you. When she'<sup>TM</sup>s making you happy I couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t care less, but when she starts shit like this I want to throttle her. You deserve a whole lot better than what she gives you.' 

'oeDo I?' 

Blair sounded so lost, Jim wanted to go back in time and hurt every person who'<sup>TM</sup>d contributed to his friends poor self image. When he realized Blair was crying he sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Blair was one of the strongest people he had ever known. He had to be to survive the kind of life he'<sup>TM</sup>d led, and Jim couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t stand to see him like this. Few people got a chance to see the vulnerable side of the young man and he couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t help but feel proud that he was trusted enough to be allowed to witness it. Knowing he could say more with actions than with words at that point he took Blair into a full hug and just held him as the tears fell. Jim heard the roof door open a few minutes later and looked over Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s head to see Sam standing there. She started to come towards them but the look Jim gave her stopped her in her tracks. She went back inside but Jim didn'<sup>TM</sup>t expect that to be the last they'<sup>TM</sup>d see of her today. 

Jim put his hand under Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s chin and lifted his head so he could look into his eyes. 

'oeYes Blair, you do. You deserve to be with someone who will love you and do anything and everything to make you happy.' _Like me_. Jim was trying to be totally honest, but he wasn' <sup>TM</sup>t ready for that. Saying something like that would be crossing a line that neither one of them was ready for. 

'oeThen why can'<sup>TM</sup>t I find her Jim? I mean, it'<sup>TM</sup>s not like I haven'<sup>TM</sup>t looked. You said it yourself, I'<sup>TM</sup>m the guy who'<sup>TM</sup>d hump a table leg.' 

Jim flinched at that. He'<sup>TM</sup>d regretted ever saying it. He'<sup>TM</sup>d just been so jealous at facing another one of Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s many conquests he hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t been thinking clearly. 

'oeI'<sup>TM</sup>m sorry I ever said that Chief, it was uncalled for. And besides, love is about a lot more than sex. It'<sup>TM</sup>s about gestures and words, a thousand little thoughtless acts.' 

'oeYeah, but volume should count for something, right? You'<sup>TM</sup>d think I could have found one that was willing to love me. How can I not think it'<sup>TM</sup>s me and not them?' 

Jim thought his heart was going to break. He wanted to tell Blair that someone did love him, but he was too worried that the news wouldn'<sup>TM</sup>t be welcome and would destroy the fragile friendship they'<sup>TM</sup>d managed to rebuild. Jim had realized he was in love w/ his friend since just after the fountain. He'<sup>TM</sup>d almost lost Blair, and his mind, to Alex. He'<sup>TM</sup>d realized then just how important the young man was to him. He was his Guide, his best friend and confidant. He'<sup>TM</sup>d told Blair things he hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t told anyone else, not even Carolyn, about his father, Stephen, his time in the jungle. Blair had become everything to him. The physical attraction hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t come immediately, Jim had never been physically drawn to men, but it did eventually. For a while he'<sup>TM</sup>d been afraid to touch his partner for fear he'<sup>TM</sup>d slip up and go to far. It was only after he realized that the lack of physical contact was stressing Blair out that he resumed them, always keeping a tight rein on his libido. It took every ounce of will power he had not to kiss Blair on a daily basis. In fact, right now holding him felt so good, so right. It would be so easy to lower his head and capture those lips. Jim felt his tongue slip out to wet his lips and quickly stood up. 

Holding out a hand he pulled the younger man to his feet. Blair was standing in front of him, looking up at him like some lost 5 year old and Jim almost groaned out loud. This, was much better Jim thought to himself sarcastically. 

'oeIt'<sup>TM</sup>s not you, trust me. You know I'<sup>TM</sup>m not the best person to be giving advice to the love lorn, but I know I'<sup>TM</sup>m right about this. You'<sup>TM</sup>ll find someone, and you'<sup>TM</sup>ll be happy. '<sup>~</sup>Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...' 

Blair smiled and Jim felt himself smiling in return. 

'oeThanks Jim, you did okay with the advice this time. I feel better. Oh, and leave the Bogart impressions to me okay? We'<sup>TM</sup>d better get back to work or Simon'<sup>TM</sup>ll have us writing parking tickets for the next month.' 

They went back in and Blair headed for the bathroom to wash his face before going back to his desk. Jim wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t surprised to find Sam sitting at Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s desk when he got back to the squad room. Jim used his senses to check on Blair and found that he was still in the mens room, doing some meditative breathing. Jim smiled to himself, that man could meditate anywhere. 

He was planning to ignore Sam so he sat down at his own desk and went back to typing the report he'<sup>TM</sup>d been working on when Sandburg had come in from lunch. She, of course, had other ideas. She walked over and leaned over Jim as if reading what was on his computer. At least she was being discreet. 

'oeWhat was that little scene all about? You just can'<sup>TM</sup>t keep your hands off him can you Ellison?' 

Jim couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t believe the nerve of the woman, she was right of course, but damn she had nerve. 

'oeI was consoling him on the loss of his $100.00 deposit, he was really looking forward to that trip. Seems his traveling companion turned out to be cold hearted bitch who feels she'<sup>TM</sup>s more important than possibly injured people so she cancelled on him. And besides, we all need a hug now and then Sam, well, at least those of us who are warm blooded.' 

Jim hated being like this at work but she was asking for it. 

Her face turned red and she took a very deep breath. Jim figured he was about to get blasted but he heard Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s voice instead. 

'oeSam, go back downstairs. This is not the time or the place. You made yourself quite clear at lunch and I don'<sup>TM</sup>t have time for your games anymore.' 

'oeBlair, babe, I came to apologize and say I'<sup>TM</sup>d still like to go to Seattle with you.' 

'oeToo late, _babe_ , I canceled the reservations. That window is closed, in fact, all my windows are closed. I'<sup>TM</sup>ll see you around.' 

Blair turned his back on her and walked back down the hall towards the break room, effectively dismissing her. 

Sam turned back to Jim, her face showing her obvious displeasure at this. 

'oeWell, looks like you'<sup>TM</sup>ve one this round Ellison, but I'<sup>TM</sup>m not giving up, he'<sup>TM</sup>s mine.' 

'oeI don'<sup>TM</sup>t know why you think Sandburg is some kind of game, a game I might add I wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t even aware I was playing. He'<sup>TM</sup>s my friend, that'<sup>TM</sup>s it. I want him to be happy. You, make him unhappy. He realizes that now and will get on with his life. Maybe I gave him a little push in that direction, but it was a purely selfless act. Someday soon he'<sup>TM</sup>ll find that special someone, someone who'<sup>TM</sup>ll make him happy and you'<sup>TM</sup>ll realize exactly what you threw away.' 

She wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t buying it though. 

'oeCome on Jim, I'<sup>TM</sup>m not blind. I know you can'<sup>TM</sup>t keep you hands off him and you police him like a jealous lover. You want him and you know it, question is, does he?' 

She turned on her heel and walked away. Jim decided to forgo getting the last word and let her leave. He really didn'<sup>TM</sup>t want to continue that discussion. Sam had obviously figured out how he really felt about his partner, had anyone else, had Blair? He hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t heard any whispers about it around the station, and it was really hard to keep secrets from a sentinel. The thought that Blair may suspect made him nauseous. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn'<sup>TM</sup>t realize Blair had come back in until he put a hand on his shoulder. 

Jim blushed at having been snuck up on and he watched as Blair narrowed his eyes to study him. Blair might not technically be an anthropologist anymore, but old habits die hard. 

'oeHey man, what did she say that'<sup>TM</sup>s got you so riled up? You usually know exactly where I am more often than I do.' 

Jim felt himself blush again. 'oeIt was nothing Blair, she was just making up shit trying to be hurtful. I honestly can'<sup>TM</sup>t say I'<sup>TM</sup>m not happy that you broke things off with her. Oh, and good move telling her you'<sup>TM</sup>d already canceled the reservations.' 

'oeYeah well, it I hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t she would have just kept pushing. You'<sup>TM</sup>re right, she'<sup>TM</sup>s got some real control issues.' 

Blair was smiling now, he seemed much better. Jim hoped it wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t just an act for his benefit. He knew Sandburg better than anyone, but even he could be fooled if Blair put his mind to it. 

They finished up the reports they were working on and headed out to do a few interviews to close out the day. It was Wednesday and Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s turn to cook dinner so he offered to pay for pizza. Blair agreed and by 5:30 they were back at the loft eating pizza, pepperoni and sausage for Jim, ham and pineapple for Blair. They were both on their second beers and were yelling at a baseball game on the TV a half hour later. All in all, a very manly evening. Jim couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t help but laugh out loud. Manly indeed. Just a few hours ago he'<sup>TM</sup>d been on the roof of the P.D., holding his best friend in his arms using every ounce of willpower to keep from kissing said best friend. 

'oeWhat'<sup>TM</sup>s so funny Big Guy?' 

Jim blushed, man he was doing a lot of that today, glad the only lights on in the loft were in the kitchen. 

'oeOh, nothing Chief.' 

Blair wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t buying it, he shifted sideways on the couch so he was facing Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s profile. 

'oeCome on, Mr. Stoic doesn'<sup>TM</sup>t just randomly chuckle, it'<sup>TM</sup>s against his nature.' 

Jim refused to look at him, he was having a very hard time hiding his smile as it was, one look at Blair and he'<sup>TM</sup>d be gone. 'oeI take offense to that, I chuckle all the time.' 

He could see Blair nod out of his peripheral vision. 

'oeTrue, but that'<sup>TM</sup>s usually and evil, '<sup>~</sup>I'<sup>TM</sup>m going to nail these scum bags'<sup>TM</sup> chuckle, this, was different.' 

Jim looked at him now, shocked. 'oeYou'<sup>TM</sup>ve cataloged my chuckles?' 

'oeWell, it was all in the interest of science man. Before I destroyed them I had journals full of stuff like that. I catalogued everything about you '<sup>~</sup>O Sentinel of the Great City'<sup>TM</sup>.' 

Jim knew that Blair was joking with him but the comment about destroying his journals ruined the mood for him. He hated what Blair had done to protect him. He was grateful for it, but the guilt still haunted him. No longer in the mood for baseball he got up off the couch and went to stand on the balcony. It was late spring and the evening was warm. Blair followed and was at his side seconds later. 

'oeCome on man, don'<sup>TM</sup>t do this. We were having such a nice night. I have to be able to talk about it, joke about it. I can'<sup>TM</sup>t have you brooding every time I bring it up, it'<sup>TM</sup>s counter productive.' 

Jim hung his head, he couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t look at the former grad student. 

'oeI'<sup>TM</sup>m sorry Blair, but I just can'<sup>TM</sup>t stop feeling guilty. You gave up everything to protect me, everything.' 

Blair was beside him, but not facing the water. He was standing with his back to the balcony wall. He laid his arm along the wall and touched Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s stomach. Jim took the hint and finally met his eyes. The pupils were wide in the dark but Jim could still see the deep blue that was unique to his Guide around the edges. Somehow they'<sup>TM</sup>d managed to avoid discussing the subject of Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s sacrifice these may months. 

'oeNo Jim, I didn'<sup>TM</sup>t.' 

Jim snorted, 'oeyeah right Sandburg, tell me another one. You gave up your career, something you'<sup>TM</sup>d worked half your life for. I know how important your PhD was to you.' 

Blair sighed and Jim took a second to catalog the young man. His heartbeat was steady, his breathing normal. Jim had always avoided this subject. He called himself a chicken, but he'<sup>TM</sup>d managed to justify it by telling himself that addressing the issue would send his friend straight into the arms of a panic attack. But that wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t happening. From what Jim could tell his Guide was relaxed and at ease. In fact, Jim couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t remember the last time he'<sup>TM</sup>d looked this at peace, it had certainly been since before Alex. Jim cringed at that thought, man this was just a wonderful trip down memory lane. He came back from that dark place when Blair started to talk again. 

'oeJim. I'<sup>TM</sup>m gonna let you in on a little secret. Working on my diss, taking classes, even teaching, they stopped being important to me a long time ago. Working with you, solving crimes, actually being out in the world helping people, that'<sup>TM</sup>s what became important to me. The rest was just, well, habit I guess. I told you when we were looking for Incacha that night, that going back to my life as it was before I met you was like getting off a roller coaster and onto a merry-go-round. I should have known, way back then how this would all turn out. It would have saved everyone a lot of grief. Then, the day of press conference it really hit me. You were more important than all of that. My first and only goal was to keep you safe, damn the consequences. That day, you told me I was the best partner you could ever have and man, that made it all worth it. Honestly. All I had really wanted was to be your partner, your Guide. I quit a job Jim. I have a _career_ with the police. I may never have the letters PhD after my name, but I some pretty important ones in front of it now, Det. I' <sup>TM</sup>m happy with my decisions and you need to accept that.' 

Blair hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t taken his eyes of Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s during the entire speech. His hand had moved back to Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s stomach and was just resting there on his right hip. Jim wanted to lean into the touch but retrained himself. He had a lot to process over what Blair had just said and he needed to keep his mind clear. He was floored by the revelations. He'<sup>TM</sup>d been so wrapped up in his own guilt and pain over the incident he hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t really thought Blair could be happy with his decisions. Once again his Sentinel sight had done him absolutely no good. 

Before he could formulate a response the young man continued. 

'oeI know you think I didn'<sup>TM</sup>t have any choice, that _you_ didn' <sup>TM</sup>t give me a choice, but Jim, I did. I choose you. When I called that press conference I had no idea that I'<sup>TM</sup>d be offered a job on the force but I didn'<sup>TM</sup>t care. I knew somehow, someway we'<sup>TM</sup>d work things out. We could at least be friends. I had faith in us Jim, in our friendship. The only thing I feared was that it wouldn'<sup>TM</sup>t work. That no matter what I did you wouldn'<sup>TM</sup>t get your life back, that you'<sup>TM</sup>d spend the rest of your life feeling like a freak, probably in the forced employ of the government. Well, as you know that didn'<sup>TM</sup>t happen so all'<sup>TM</sup>s well that ends well, or as Megan says, '<sup>~</sup>no worries Mate.'<sup>TM</sup>' 

Jim could only stare at his friend. If he hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t already accepted that he was in love with the young man he would have fallen hard right then and there. The heartbeat and breathing were still normal so he knew Blair was telling the truth, or at least what he believed to be the truth. He just couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t accept what he'<sup>TM</sup>d heard. His guilt wouldn'<sup>TM</sup>t allow him to accept that Blair could be happy being a cop. 

'oeI just can'<sup>TM</sup>t buy that Chief. You should be in the jungle somewhere, studying some lost tribe, making time with the chief'<sup>TM</sup>s daughter.' 

Blair didn'<sup>TM</sup>t bite at that joke. He tightened his arm around the Sentinel'<sup>TM</sup>s waist and Jim finally let himself lean into the touch, he was only so strong. He loved this man more that he'<sup>TM</sup>d ever loved anyone, and he was starting to wonder if he'<sup>TM</sup>d been wrong to think it was one sided. Maybe Blair wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t _in love_ with him, but he did care a lot if everything he' <sup>TM</sup>d just said could be believed, and Jim needed to believe. 

'oeWhat'<sup>TM</sup>s it going to take to make you believe me huh? You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, Jim, you didn'<sup>TM</sup>t force me into this life, I choose it freely, and without reservation. I love you, you know that right?' 

Jim thought he was going to cry. If only Blair meant it the way he wanted him to. When he felt a movement he realized Blair was going to move so he wrapped his own arm around the younger man'<sup>TM</sup>s waist and pulled him into a hug. Jim felt his Guide melt into him and smiled. They were almost a mirror of how they'<sup>TM</sup>d been that morning. Two hugs in the same day, pretty good haul. Maybe one day Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s feelings would be more that friendship, or brotherhood, but until then he could make do with a hug now and then. 

'oeI don'<sup>TM</sup>t think I ever said it Chief, but, thank you. No one has ever done anything like that for me, ever.' 

'oeWell, it wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t just for you, you know. If the press hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t been in your face you would have been able to catch Zeller that night at the docks and Megan and Simon would never have been shot. Hell, you got shot too, not to mention what happened to the station. I should have accepted early on that I would never be able to publish, it would have saved everyone a lot of grief and pain.' 

Jim didn'<sup>TM</sup>t like the way this was going. He was the one who should be guilt ridden, not his partner. He gave into temptation and stroked the head resting on his shoulder. The curls felt like silk to his sensitive fingers and he had to dial down touch, afraid he'<sup>TM</sup>d zone. 

'oeChief, stop it. You are not to blame for what happened to Megan, Simon, or me. We can'<sup>TM</sup>t rewrite history. Zeller was a psychopath, he could have gotten away anyway, I was letting my own fear and anger cloud my judgement.' 

'oeYeah, you had plenty to be angry at, me especially. And I'<sup>TM</sup>m sure you were afraid you'<sup>TM</sup>d unable to stay a cop.' 

'oeNo Chief, that'<sup>TM</sup>s not what I was afraid of. I was angry at myself. Angry because I let those fears take over my life and I hurt you. I was so afraid you'<sup>TM</sup>d leave me. You had the world at you feet, three million dollars, a movie deal, hell, the Nobel Prize. What could I possibly offer you to make you stay?' 

'oeWow, I never really thought about it like that, guess I was on the mark about those fear based responses huh?' 

Blair pulled back to look at him. The smile on his face was enough to light Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s world for a week. 

'oeMaybe we should forgive ourselves since we don'<sup>TM</sup>t feel we need to forgive each other.' 

'oeYeah Chief, that sounds like a plan.' His could feel an equally large smile on his own face. He pulled back farther to look at Blairs face. He could almost hear his heart pounding in his ears, then he realized it was Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s heart he was hearing. His breathing was fast too. Jim thought that maybe the panic attack had arrived at last, but then he looked into his eyes. The was no mistaking the desire there, even for an emotionally nearsighted Sentinel. Could he have been wrong about this too? Could Blair return his feelings, love him as a man, not a brother? They'<sup>TM</sup>d both been going out of their way to be honest with each other today, maybe it was time they were honest with themselves. Jim took a deep breath and started to lower his head, moving slowly, giving Blair plenty of time stop him if it wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t what he wanted. He kept his eyes open and locked onto the other man'<sup>TM</sup>s the whole way down. He stopped a hairs breath away, giving one final chance for the young man to back away. He was so wrapped up in the man in his arms he hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t heard anyone come down the hall and was as surprised as Blair when there was a knock at the door. Both men groaned, Blair laid his forehead on Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s chest. 

'oeIgnore it Chief, she'<sup>TM</sup>ll go away.' 

Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s head snapped up. 'oeShe? Oh man, it'<sup>TM</sup>s Sam isn'<sup>TM</sup>t it?' 

Jim ran a hand over Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s curls. 'oeYeah, it'<sup>TM</sup>s her.' 

'oeDamn it!' 

Blair sighed and pushed away, Jim let him go. 

'oeWe both know she'<sup>TM</sup>s not going to go away Big Guy, she'<sup>TM</sup>s like a damn boa constrictor. She know'<sup>TM</sup>s we'<sup>TM</sup>re home and will camp out until we open the door.' As if on cue they heard her yell. 

'oeI know you'<sup>TM</sup>re in there Blair, open up, we need to talk.' 

Jim, always thought himself a brave man but at that moment he wanted to take Blair and run like hell. 

'oeWe could always sneak down the fire escape Chief, go see a movie or something. She'<sup>TM</sup>ll get bored eventually.' 

Blair was looking at him like he had two heads. 

'oeYou want to run away? James Joseph Ellison is afraid of Sam? I need to write that on a calendar. No, I'<sup>TM</sup>ll go, open the door and tell her to go away. I'<sup>TM</sup>m really not interested in anything she has to say. Besides, if we do it here it'<sup>TM</sup>s in private. If we wait she'<sup>TM</sup>ll want to do it at the station in front of who knows how many witnesses.' 

Jim knew he was right and didn'<sup>TM</sup>t stop him as he walked back into the loft, turning on a lamp as he went. Sam was knocking again, louder this time. The neighbors were going to get pissed if she was allowed to keep it up. He stayed out on the balcony, planning to give Blair some privacy, but staying close in case he was needed. He was able to see the entire loft in the reflection of the open french doors and settled in for the show. 

The door was only open a crack when Sam pushed her way in. Blair almost lost his balance from the force she put on the door. Jim somehow managed to stay where he was. She noted his presence outside and turned to face his Guide. Wow, that was some outfit she had on. A very low cut blouse that was almost see through, well to him it was see through, a short skirt and stilettos. Some men might find the outfit sexy, proactive, but he thought it looked trashy. He hoped Blair thought so too. He was happy to see a look of disgust cross his face as he looked her over. 

'oeWhat the hell took you so long, did I interrupt something?' 

Jim picked up on the innuendo and his partner did too. He could see Blair tense, drawing in a breath. He could almost see the wheels turning in that beautiful head as he decided how to respond to that. 

'oeYes Sam, you did. Jim and I were enjoying a quiet evening, a ball game, some pizza. You know, it'<sup>TM</sup>s what friends do, but wait, that'<sup>TM</sup>s right, you don'<sup>TM</sup>t have any friends.' 

Jim smiled at that. It was a bit juvenile, yes, but she'<sup>TM</sup>d deserved it. Sam sputtered for a few seconds, she obviously didn'<sup>TM</sup>t expect that from Blair, himself maybe, but not Blair. She apparently didn'<sup>TM</sup>t know him as well as she though she did. 

'oeI just wanted to talk to you Blair, there'<sup>TM</sup>s no reason to get nasty. I wanted to apologize for this afternoon. I wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t upset that you were late, I was worried, and I tried to hide it in pique. I checked with the hotel in Seattle and I know you didn'<sup>TM</sup>t cancel the reservations, I'<sup>TM</sup>d still really like to go. I know how much you were looking forward to that art exhibit.' 

Jim came into the room then. He could hear her heart pounding and feel the heat pouring off of her. She had a sheen of sweat on every inch of skin that was exposed, and in that outfit, that was a lot of skin. She obviously wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t pulling any punches in her attempt to get Blair back. Blair wasn'<sup>TM</sup>t a sentinel but Jim was pretty sure he knew she was lying. When Blair stared to speak he knew he was right. He'<sup>TM</sup>d slipped into what Jim called his detective mode. Detached, cold, calculating, monotone voice. It always freaked him out a little when Blair did this, but it made sense, this was probably the only thing Sam would understand. 

'oeI told you, we'<sup>TM</sup>re over. Accept that and move on. I heard what you said to Jim this morning and it was out of line. I don'<sup>TM</sup>t belong to anyone, not Jim and especially not you.' 

Jim gave Blair a sharp look. So, he had heard the conversation, is that what prompted the scene out on the balcony. Maybe now that Blair had some idea how Jim felt he was able to express his own feelings. Or maybe he was just giving Jim what he thought he needed to assuage his guilt. Looks like they still had a lot to talk about. 

Jim was so tied up in his thoughts he hadn'<sup>TM</sup>t seen Sam cross to where Blair was leaning against the table. He watches as she pressed up against him, putting her arms around his neck. 

'oeCome on babe, we are so good together, you can'<sup>TM</sup>t deny it. You love the way I make you feel.' 

She slid her hand from behind his neck and down his chest, obviously headed for his crotch. Jim couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t keep quiet any longer. 

'oeSam, why don'<sup>TM</sup>t you just leave? Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s said his peace, go away.' 

She spun around, she must have thought he was still outside. 

'oeYou'<sup>TM</sup>d love that wouldn'<sup>TM</sup>t you Jim, you'<sup>TM</sup>d have him all to yourself then.' 

Jim saw red, how dare she..... 

Blair stepped between them, aware that the Sentinel was about to loose what little control he had over his temper. 

'oeSam, shut up. Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s right, I'<sup>TM</sup>ve said my peace, nothing you can say or do will change my mind. A friend pointed out to me today that love is about more than sex. It'<sup>TM</sup>s words and gestures. That same friend also pointed out that I deserved those things. You don'<sup>TM</sup>t give them to me, and I think it'<sup>TM</sup>s about time I found someone who did.' 

Sam narrowed her eyes and looked from one man to the other. 

'oeAnd Jim does that for you huh? I should have known, you were always so passive in bed. It only make sense you'<sup>TM</sup>d become Ellison'<sup>TM</sup>s bottom boy.' 

Jim lost it, he took a step towards her, but Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s hand on his arm stopped him. He turned around instead and headed back out to the balcony. 

'oeUnderstand this Samantha, Jim and I are not now, nor have we ever been lovers. We are friends, family, a concept you obviously can'<sup>TM</sup>t fathom. We have to work together, and I plan on being civil with you at the station, but so help me Sam, if I hear so much as a word of that rumor down at the station and I can trace it back to you I'<sup>TM</sup>ll file a lawsuit. I'<sup>TM</sup>m not above a slander suit.' 

Jim watched the reflection as Blair took Sam by the arm and escorted her to the door. He had it open and her on the other side before she could form a response. He shut the door in her face and leaned back against it. Jim watched as he let the tension leave his body. Blair was Blair again, as it should be. The young man pushed away from the door and walked back out onto the balcony to join Jim. Without a word he entered Jim'<sup>TM</sup>s personal space and wrapped his arm around the taller man. 

'oeNow, where were we?' 

Jim couldn'<sup>TM</sup>t believe it. He'<sup>TM</sup>d had some time to think while Sam was there and his doubts were getting the better of him. He looked down into Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s upturned face. 

'oeChief, I need to know, is this what you really want? This isn'<sup>TM</sup>t just some tactic to assuage my guilt right?' 

Blair smacked him, not very hard, but the Sentinel could feel the hand print on arm. 

'oeHow could you even think that? I thought we were being honest with each other these days. Do you honestly think I would ever do something like that? In case you haven'<sup>TM</sup>t noticed, I love you. Not as my friend, or partner, but as you, Jim. I'<sup>TM</sup>ve been waiting for you to make some kind of move for months. I was getting really impatient. And man, I even went out with Sam hoping to make you jealous, but no, you don'<sup>TM</sup>t react, you just patted me on the shoulder and sent me on my way.' 

Blair stopped for breath and Jim took the opportunity. He lowered his head and locked his lips onto his Guides. He was softer and sweeter than Jim had ever imagined. The kiss started soft and light but it gradually deepened. Jim was positive he was going to zone on the taste of the younger man and slid a hand into long curls to ground himself. Always offset one sense with another, that'<sup>TM</sup>s what his Guide had taught him. He finally pulled back and looked at Blair who kept his pose, head back, eyes closed. 

'oeYou'<sup>TM</sup>ve been waiting for me huh Blair? Well, I'<sup>TM</sup>ve been waiting for you. What a pair we make.' 

Blair opened his eyes and Jim thought that he could drown in those blue oceans. 

'oeYeah man, we'<sup>TM</sup>re a pair.' 

'oeI thought honesty of was the theme of the day Chief, why'<sup>TM</sup>d you lie to Sam? You said we weren'<sup>TM</sup>t lovers.' 

Blair smiled wide at that. Jim loved the impish gleam he saw in those eyes. 

'oeI didn'<sup>TM</sup>t lie to her. I said we are not now, nor have we ever been lovers. I didn'<sup>TM</sup>t say anything about the future.' 

Jim loved his logic. 

'oeI was worried that'<sup>TM</sup>s what you meant though. I don'<sup>TM</sup>t think I can live without you, you know that right?' 

Blair stood on tip toe and place a light kiss to his lips. 

'oeSame goes for me Big Guy, you'<sup>TM</sup>re stuck with me, come hell or high water, and with our luck that will probably happen next week.' 

Jim laughed and hugged Blair tight. 

'oeWe can survive anything babe, as long as we're together.' 

'oeLet'<sup>TM</sup>s take this inside, what do you say? I'<sup>TM</sup>d really like to get started on that future we were talking about.' 

Jim, arms still wrapped around the shorter man tightened his hold and lifted so that Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s feet were now several inches off the ground and walked back into the loft. He set him down at the foot of the stairs and walked around the loft turning off lights and checking locks. A few minutes later he was back at Blair'<sup>TM</sup>s side. 

'oeTo the future, and beyond.' 

Blair laughed out loud and started to climb the loft stairs. 

'oeMan, you watch waaaaay too many movies. Hey Jim, I was thinking, wanna go to Seattle with me this weekend? I never did cancel....' 

Jim followed his Guide up the stairs and into the future. 

* * *

End Honesty by Rowan: rowansfeedback@yahoo.com

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